Go with the flow bro...

Hello!

Hey hey hey… couldn't let the year go bye bye without a final post to wish you all a great 20 14….

So how do I end this? Like always, a big thanks to my millions of readers and my 6 faithful followers who have braved weather conditions to read my blog… as the Portuguese say: “obrigado”….I like the sound of it…

Circa 2002

My wife went to my niece’s bday party yesterday and Fff me! Things move really fast when you are still! I found out that my oldest niece has spread her wings and moved out of my brother’s house! It’s a STFU moment, an O M G with pauses in between the vowels people! Jezuuss, I remember just yesterday being at the gym with my brother and us having comeback home just to be told that my sis-in-law was rushed to the hospital because of her preeclampsia condition; my heart goes out to my brother, I can see my future through him… And it looks AWESOME!!! I mean, dude think of what you can do with the extra room! Let your imagination go wild: a smoking room, a library, a porno collection room… Anything!! I mean, sure it sucks that your kid wants to do her life now, but brother you can stick a freaking Harley Davidson in there just because you can! And when the other one decide to leave the nest, hopefully in a while –right, because the rebellious one will change her way of thinking soon- you got 2 freaking rooms!! I’m thinking sauna here; maybe even sell the house move to Pompano Beach and start cooking meth. I heard there’s some good money there; call it middle age crisis before becoming a grandpa…

Any hoot. A happy new year to you all… lots of health and love…

The Walking Bad

Hello!

Sunday people and we are once again vegetating! This Netflix is contagious, we’re in the final season of The Walking Dead; and Breaking Bad is not that bad either. I curse the day my daughters started to watch these shows; but it’s not only them, no, my wife’s customer are also seeing these shows right now! Let’s just say that those houses aren’t getting properly cleaned.

Hey 2014 is upon us, I think we’re going to do the vegetating thing on the 31^st; heck, we’re probably be in bed before the New Year shows its face…. I know, bad luck and a curse will rain upon my family… blah blah blah…People, people, I don’t know how low our luck could get; let’s put it this way, if this was a limbo competition we would probably be in the finals… soooo, bitch please, last time I tasted solid food was 2 weeks ago…

Any hoot, I hope I see you soon, if I don’t, well, Happy New Year to you and yours….

Netfluke

Hello!

Almost forgot to tell you the story of my life….what?!.. It’s a good song to listen while reading my blog and drinking white wine..

So, my daughters have been pulling us left and right with their narration of their favorite Internet shows: “Breaking Bad” and “The Walkingdead”. So yesterday I finally said “Fuck it”, we are going to see these shows to be the judge of their taste. Well my Monday bath guy, the coolest bath guy around, told me about Netflix, A place where you could see all these show and you get 1 month free; plus it’s only $8.00 dollars a month if you like it. That sounds reasonable, besides what's $8.00 dollars a month when it’s being charged to your wife’s credit card… pfft, piece of chocolate cake. Yesterday night I setup Netflix on our PS3 and after a good 20 minutes of downloading updates and shit… A new world had opened to our eyes, we were thrilled! We started seeing Breaking Bad, a couple of shows, and then we moved to The Walking Dead…. I tell ya, these kids are slowly but surely becoming my idols when it comes to the latest gadgets to be cool… The shows were amazing, my wife got so hooked on them she canceled her day and we vegetated all freaking day watching the shows….I think the pets ate because my wife accidentally stumbled on the dog food while getting a glass of water…

Say my name… You're goddamn right Carlos fucking Guzman…No, really it is...

The Queen in me

Hello!

Happy National Fruitcake day to all you fruitcakes out there…

Just came back from a medical appointment for my daughter… get this, I was referred to this appointment 2 years ago, back when my kid was 11; now she’s freaking 13!! At least I got that out of the way, now on to bigger and better things…

You know, every time I take the bus and they sit me in the center of it, I feel like a queen… And not like Queen Latifah with her high fives and her was up Nig…… Nigel! What is up Nigel is what I was going to write. Although theoretically, I could use the “N” word since my step dad was black, I believe he was also a black panther; Haitian chapter. Sooo, just saying… But back to my story, I feel like a queen. Queen Elizabeth; I feel I should be throwing “Hellos” to the commoners. People such as you that cannot ride on the special bullet proof bus - I’m sure it’s bullet proof- because you are not born royal such as me. I am one, maybe two notches above the populaces and have the God given right to sit there waiving at the crowds. But then, they sit Jimmy the mentally challenged guy beside me and it all goes down hell from there with his talk of poopy pants and stuff… I feel normal again quite fast, but those 2 seconds of feeling super superior to everyone makes my day….

Take care folks….

PS I got to blog about my new discoveries and how TV will never be the same again….

Sodom and Gomorrah

Hello!

So how do I start this, “Hello my name is Carlos and I’m an alcoholic”? I really don’t know, after yesterday’s pandemonium I’ll have to redefine my vocabulary.

First of all, kudos to little J’s dad for having kept up with me and the sangria: we drank about 3 liters worth of booze between him and me. He ended up dancing the Debka fully nude, plus apparently I called a 20 odd year Parisian girl “my girlfriend” in front of my wife and in-laws… Seriously, liquid courage in a bottle my friends. But to be cleared, I corrected my mistake on the spot; I called the person who provide me with the Italian cheese cake recipe, Lidia Bastianich, my girlfriend…As for little J’s dad dancing thing, I guess he’s been repressing these sexual tensions all this time; after all, my sister-in-law’s dog kept on humping his leg all night long, dogs can sense things people. I got a feeling that little J’s dad might soon explore his feminine side if you know what I mean…

Take care people…

The mother of all feasts...

Hello!

Well it’s 9:00PM and work is well underway for our Food Fest 20 13… They are making the pig’s feet toasts, the tamales for the tortas, the Italian Cheese cake –ricotta cheese-, the Sangria… and a whole bunch of little stuff; plus little J’s family is bringing over his Kosher ham leg, so there is going to be plenty of chow tomorrow!

I also want to wish all of you a safe and happy holiday season, filled with love, health, money and whatever you asked Saint Nick to bring you. Joyeuses fêtes à toutes les personnes qui viennent lire ce blog…. Feliz Navidad…

Let’s hope the Alkasltzer does the trick on the 25….

He's keeping a list...

Hello!

I prepare this post on the 22^nd of December… Why am I telling you the date? Well it is the day that my oldest came out of the closet! Yeah, she does not love Christmas like a normal child; too commercialized. DUH, it’s part of the season: buy stuff… but you see folks, she dissociated  herself with anything related to Christmas. Cases in point, my wife asked for some help putting up the Xmas tree, her response?

- “Why don’t you get your other daughter to help you, I don’t believe in the Christmas thing…” 

My wife was furious, actually she didn't give a hoot, she knows that there will come a day when she will be the one doing the Christmas thing for her kids; and if she doesn't I expect to be around to spoil those kids…stupid teenager phase…Santa is going to skip this household

Take care folks…

PS She doesn't believe in Christmas, but she still wants her presents…

Food fest update

Hello!

Hope all is well…

Well it’s nasty out there, we got snow, drizzle and freezing rain; you name it we got it! It’s not only here, most of the Eastern coast is under this winter storm… you got to love this world!.. Christmas eve the day we (Latinos) celebrate, is on the verge of being canceled… But Santa is still going to drop by, that’s 100% sure... At this point food fest 20 13 is on the verge of not happening…so much for the Kosher ham leg….

Take care…

Celebrating the Holidays: Fat man edition

Hello!

Good day folks, hope you’re building up to your holidays mega bashes… we are! This weekend it’s going to be a busy one for my wife and kids… everything under my direction and stamp of approval.. I’m the supervisor..

Yeah, we be pigs...

First of all, the food. The menu has been changing day to day. Apparently now even little J’s dad is part of the party; and he’s Jewish! Didn't his ancestors kill JC? And now he’s celebrating the event with a ham leg!? Really?! This is a thumb’s down for every Jew, Muslim and vegetarian out there; and I’m not too thrilled either. His efforts deserve an A+, but next time stick to Latkes; a dish I usually crave this time of the year. Then we got my mother-in-law/wife/me, we are having a mixture of toasted tortillas with pig’s feet… not my idea folks, but apparently I like the dish. I hate it when I can’t recall if I have tasted the dish before, but my better half claims I have and that it has become one of my favourite… I better start taking notes on what I have eaten in the past… Finally, and this is my idea, “tortas de tamal” or tamale like Americans and Canadians like to call it. It’s a Mexican dish which basically is a tamal sandwich on a French bread; and they ask themselves why they are the society with the most obese people…. Don’t look at me, I’m from El Salvador; we’re good looking people who like “pan con chumpe”… I’m just married to the obese Mexican mob….

Any hoot, it’s going to be Food Fest 20 13!! Here’s hoping you and yours have a grandiose and epic food fest too…

Take care folks….

Quantumic Vampires

Hello!

Good Karaté day to you….tis the day my kids go to karate class, they’re about to level up… so beware everybody….

This morning Olivia came running down the stairs doing here usual routine so that she can be taken out to do her things…. She knows how to push your buttons this one, so I pushed a button myself to get somebody to take her out at 3:00 AM. That somebody is my wife… God bless her soul… obviously, she was able to go back to sleep; me?... no freaking way, I got an ADD mind and it started to go in all sorts of directions. I was thinking of everything and everyone.  At the top of the list was Christmas and quantum physics; I know. Right? How the FF did those two got in the mix together, I ain’t got a clue; but they were there. Then it hit me. “Vampires are the perfect quantum beings!!”.. Think about it! Quantum dictates that the electron shows its place only if it is being measured; looked at! This was one of Einstein’s beef with quantum crap; he wanted to believe that the moon was there even if he wasn’t looking at it. Vampires if they see themselves in a mirror do not project an image and therefore are in a state of quantum la-la land…. Put that in your pipe and smoke it professor Kaku!... all of those great minds and they can’t explain to the masses that we basically don’t exist until we are measure… Dam I’m good!

Take care folks….

PS okay, for those die hard that are yelling “What about Edward?!”… He’s in freaking celluloid and therefore being measure…Of course he is going to show up…

PS PS Stupid dog, waking me up from my slumber…

Insanity has a name...

Hello…

Happy Monday folks…

It is brutally cold out there and I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere; not today, not tomorrow… I mean -30c wind chill factor and I know lots of people are going it’s subjective and it’s all in my head; yeah well, it’s in my head, my legs, my feet, so pretty much everywhere.. So (crotch grabbing) go “F” yourselves…

So yeah, big shout out to my new followers out there, guess they have like 3 years of material to go through; from my humble beginnings of “Hi I’m chuck and I got MS” to my current status of “Hi, I’m Chuck and I got MS”.. You see the difference there?!... Punctuation bitch, improved grammatical skills.. Having time on your hands will do that to you. That and coming up with different theories why life works the way it does and why my "Wave" theory hasn't panned out yet in the Lotto-Max jackpot… one day, one day…in the meantime enjoy my stories and keep yer chin up… and remember, when God closes a door it’s because he opened a window and would like all handicapped people try and go through it so he could have a good chuckle watching them do it… it’s a working theory and has not been proven yet so don’t blame me for it…

They care folks…

Suavemente...

Hello!

Good Sunday folks…

It was a movie weekend for us yesterday night. First time in a long time that the movies we picked hit target at 100%.. we saw The Heat, The Conjuring and the movie about the White House with Jamie Foxx and Magic Mike guy… I think I like this one better over the Morgan Freeman one….. Morgan does not cut it as president for me; he’s more of a god type of actor… in a nutshell, great movie night… Plus it was a lazy Saturday, -2x degrees out there and by the end of the night the +10cm of now that was promised was on its way. Tonight?! It is Survivor grand finale, all my money is on Monica… it is going to be awesome! Well here is hoping you had a wonderful weekend too, I look forward to telling you about my life some other day…

Tata for now…

PS I got Elvis Crespo song stuck in my head, bet it's in your head now too...

Letters from hell

Hello!

My life story... (courtesy of  pxleyes.com)

It’s been a stressful week for me here… ever since I put that penny in my left shoe because apparently it brings good luck.. I mean, bank lost a check that was supposed to cover several automatic payments , I found out that it will not be 600 dollars that I owe for the adaptations of my place but rather 1900 smackers… if this is good luck, I don’t want to know what bad luck is for my bath lady…. Aaaaand all of this just to find out today that in the Chinese culture sticking a penny in the left shoe is a bad omen; I jinxed myself!!… just give me a gun to end this quickly, I say…

But beside all of the misfortunes I've endure this week, I’m "fine"… but who knows what other shenanigans I will encounter since I am now officially cursed: hunger, love child, sweaty palms, arrested… a word of advice, don’t put a penny inside your left shoe; you will be at the mercy of financial disasters -with an "s"-... you've been warn…

Take care folks…

PS To paraphrase one of my hero's: "If you're going through hell, don't stop..."... to which I add, why the fuck would you like to stop and admire the scenery; it's fucking hell....

I am a very positively negative person...

Hello!

…yes, I am writing early today; why?

It’s one of those days when every other thing goes wrong; really wrong…

Started yesterday night when I had finally localized the grant check that the government had sent for my home adaptation…. Great! I’ll have to pay only $600 dollars as per my occupational therapist logical deductions…. Well, no; it’s not that simple… you see the government sent an inspector to check the work afterwards, he went through everything and found some things that hadn't been executed properly or were eliminated from the modifications all together thus revising my grant in the negative way… example? Well there is no need for a ramp because the landlords redid the outside. Contractor eliminated 1k off the project, the government took out 2k… in a nutshell, I am indebted 2k for the construction of my place and I have no clue what is going to happen…

Let’s recap my lucky journey so far as per my bath lady… I wear a lucky penny on my left shoe all day, I get stuck on the ice yesterday and at night I am told that the government sucks and therefore I must dish out $2000 dollars; what’s next, they’ll cut off the electricity?... ah, there it went…

Take care folks… 

Don’t trust whitey…

Hello!

Good day to you all and my deepest sympathies for the Mandela family…

So! I got my story for the day, the week; heck, maybe even the year…

I was minding my own business getting a bath today, not caring about going out because we just got dumped 10cm of that beautiful white stuff; and I know it’s still bad out there. So I told my bath lady: “no, don’t dress me up. I am not going out…”.. She was perplexed on why the F*ck not I wasn’t going out to enjoy the cool weather; with sun and all! She even told me that she had found a lucky penny and would put it inside my left shoe so that it would bring me good luck and all… I told her that beautiful as it was I rather stayed home. Suddenly, the meals on wheels girl came in and reinforced the suggestion of my bath lady: “C’est beau dehors!..” (It’s gorgeous out there). Okay, 2 person’s saying the same thing can’t be wrong… beside they look so friendly… so I asked to be dressed for my outing….and off I went to buy cat food, even if the stupid cat does not love me…. Going to the shopping center was a breeze, no dilemmas to report….coming back, was a completely different story….

Here I was with my bag of food, driving back when suddenly a patch of ice that I had just gone through stopped me dead on my tracks; my wheels were spinning! It didn't matter what speed or direction I was trying to go: I was dead on the ice… Great! And I was too lazy to get my cell phone so I could call someone…Fack me, I will never trust another woman again… dam bee with itches… luckily, good Samaritans still exist; a car stopped, a Mercedes Benz, and the person pushed me out of trouble and waited until I had reached my home… 

dam Germans, they’re so cool…I take it he was German, he was driving a German car...

Take care folks…

Friday's reflections....

Hello!

Well 2 in a row, not too shabby…..

So the pain I was feeling on my left arm subsided and I can resume my game playing, blog making, TV watching incarceration… can’t complain too much, I know it could be worse, so I will shut the fuck up and sit here looking pretty….

Have I told you that I have become a Target addicted person? Oh yeah, big time! I think I will get a star or something on their honour wall… Just yesterday I bought 3 electronic games for my kid’s birthday; you know the latest: GTA, Saint Row IV or V and Dead Pool… obviously, I was reminded by her that I did not get Assassin Creed.. What a bad dad I am… also, I pampered myself with the purchase of a Blue Tooth speaker in the shape of a ball!! I think it’s from the iHome family, powerful little shit…. Any hoot, what I like the most is that the people that work there seemed to be fully bilingual speaking better English than the people that worked there before. Gad I wish I had a shit load of money so that I could spend my days there…

On the down side, it seems that my local pharmacy, Jean Coutu, doesn’t want my business anymore since they have equipped their exits (my entrances) with metal poles as to make the exits impossibly narrow for wheelchair people to access their business… I could always stir up shit for here since the law states that anybody has to have access to the place of business… I’ll just let my wallet go somewhere else…fuck them… excuse my Russian…

Take care folks….

PS I feel Target should pay me for this........

Crisis

Hello!

Good day y’all….

Now I don’t know if this pain on my left arm is MS or I just wank off too hard, but if it’s MS chances are that my left arm will go numb and I won’t be able to blog for a while; so be warned….now, I know is not a heart attack cause it’s not in the region that TV people go for when acting a heart thing… so here’s wishing is just pain… but that’s my story…

I was birthday shopping with my kid today and coming back she had a question… a valid one too..”Have I ever seen a black person dressed like a Santa Claus?”…????!!!... Of course my answer was negative but it shook the foundations of my persona! “why haven’t I seen one?!?” I mean, I’m a very open minded person! Why wouldn't there be a black Santa?!.. It’s the 21^st century, why haven’t we work on this?!?...then we came home and my oldest said it was normal.. WTF!?! I didn't raise her to be a racist! My father was black! (step dad) then she told me that Coca Cola has the rights to this so they want white Santa’s.. I don’think she’s right, but I will definitely look into this…

Take care….

melancholically fragrance

Hello!

Good day all… hope you are all having a wonderful day… I had a normal one: bath, ate, played…. I went out for a bit; got my kid’s present for her bday and I bought cookies… it’s national cookie day today!! I will celebrate in style….

So went to the dentist yesterday, the guy /prescribe antibiotics and some dental work to be done at the end of January, just before my birthday…. Also, I went to the cops so that my daughter provided them with her video testimony and I could feel closer and closer to a 48 hour cop show… it was awesome…! Then in the afternoon I went out to buy something, can’t remember what it was but I had a melancholically flashback; the type that reminded me that I was once able to walk and do stuff on my own… it was rather de-motivational; I felt like a sub human that has to be on the sideline waiting for someone to give him the time of day… and today I feel better, stupid PBA… any hoot, got to run…

Take care people..

Gānbēi!!!

Hello!

And hello December… last month of the year, this is the year that we are all predicted to die for real… not like Dec 21^st as per the Aztecs; them guys knew diddly squat about predicting stuff… actually, it is us that for some freaky reason are trying to put an end to this party… stupid people, just go and die on your own, I like it here so leave me alone…

So what’s my December looking like?

Well Tuesday I am off to the dentist as my tooth/molar is killing me; I’ve been living on pain killers and salty & hot water mouth washes… also this is the day that I am going to the police with my youngest so she can declared her statement against that sexual predator… then it’s a party on Saturday to celebrate her birthday. We will be attending a Chinese buffet we repetitive eating and drinking; it is going to be awesome…..

Take care folks….let December roll on bye….