According to the brief conversation that I had with my bitter half-I meant better-by 2019 if she can no longer take care of me I will be placed in a care giving home. As much as this hurts me, it is my reality; this is what I am facing.
So why did it bother me this morning? Well I woke up reflecting on my MS crap and how my wife and I are no longer lovers/friends but rather helper/helped. She takes good care of me most of the time, but the intimacy that once was there does no longer exist; wonder if it ever did. I got lots of time so I've got lots of questions.
Me being placed in a home is an imminent step in my MS road to perdition-is what I've been told by health workers that come to visit me and my wife customers that have MS cases in their families also tell her this. I feel angry at life because of the potential destiny card I have been given. I am very quiet these days reflecting on what the future holds for my family and me. I think I should have chosen to stay single when I found out I had MS. Not only MS affects me but also my family and the relationship I have with them.
I think the reason for my rabid thoughts against life is base on the life of other. No, I am not jealous, but I am angry on how in general a human life consists of 3 stages and mine doesn’t. There is thrust, Apex and the descent. Humans push to get to their top and after admiring the view they glide back to the start. The problem is this for me, I pushed knowing full well that my apex was going to be small compare to others that I knew. This makes me angry and resentful against life. I could have given more, push more but I felt short and not because of me. It wasn’t my decision to be where I am today; all I can do is see people with dreams fly past me.
So don't take it personal when I bitch about my life.
It's no you it's me.
No comments:
Post a Comment